:: basicblog ::

I'm going through a strange time and I don't feel quite myself. Perhaps it's because I'm unemployed and have way too much time to think about stuff, or perhaps it's because I'm doing some inner healing work and stuff is getting stirred up. I just don't know. In either case, I have been feeling numb and disconnected from God since around mid-August. I went on a two week water fast, hoping to get reconnected and instead wound up feeling even further from God. I have no desire to pray or read my Bible and I'm really struggling with that. I feel cold and lifeless.

I left the Reformed Church looking for a charismatic quick fix I thought I'd find in the Vineyard and came up empty. While I still believe in God's ability to heal and pray for the manifestation of His healing touch upon my life, I've come to realize there is so much more I need. My soul needs to actively interact with other souls that love Jesus and long for His presence. I need to rub up against them and be sharpened by them.

++Lord Jesus, I pray that you will guide us to a community
where we will experience the wonder of transformation
as we behold Your glory.++

Ending Human Sacrifice - Christian History

Interesting article about how St. Patrick may have convinced the Celts to turn from ritual killings to the one who "died for all."

I was meditating on the following two verses this morning:

Isa. 40:11 - "He will feed His flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs with His arm, and carry them in His bosom, and gently lead those who are with young."

Isa. 66:13 - "As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you; And you shall be comforted in Jerusalem."

++Father, I am Your lamb; feed me...
Gather me into Your arms;
Carry me in Your bosom;
Gently lead me...
Comfort me as a mother comforts a child...
Restore unto me the confirmation
and affirmation of Your amazing Love.++

I was talking with my wife last night as we went to bed... I asked her, "Do I sound bitter in my blog (regarding recent comments about the Church)?"

She was honest... she said, "Yes, you do..."

Then I started thinking about non-Christians that might someday read this and think, "Boy, why would I ever want to sign up for something like that?!"

Let me tell you why it's been worth it all in spite of the pain ...

The major reason people get really hurt in church sometimes is because the depth of relationship is so much greater than the shallow relationships you might otherwise have...

No one can hurt you like those you love... some of us have major family issues... now imagine a really, really HUGE family... that's the Church!

No one can stretch you to grow and force you out of your comfort zones like people that really love you. Now, that hasn't always been the case... I've been to churches where you can fade in and fade out and no one will even ::blink:: .... but I have also caught "glimpses" of the ideal: a "carefrontational" body of believers who challenge one another to be all that they can be for the cause of Christ and His Kingdom.

Here's my "church history":

From 1991-1995 I was a member of Woodcliff Community Church in North Bergen, NJ. I got saved there and was mentored by Pastor Al Alicea (currently Pastor of Community Church of Feastervlle in PA. He took me under his wing and arranged it so that I could get a full-ride scholarship to seminary courtesy of the RCA (Reformed Church in America). I was a jerk. I didn't know how to deal with some besetting sins in my life and was looking for a charismatic quick-fix (you know, "zap" prayers?) when God was really trying to grow me up in my character. I left the church, dropped out of seminary and signed up with the Vineyard. I thought, "Surely, God will heal me here?" To this day I regret not talking at length with Pastor Al about my "stuff"...

Also, during summer breaks from college, I would attend the Calvary Chapel in Miami with Pastor Razz Vasquez and Calvary Chapel Miami Beach with Pastor Robert Fountain.

1995-1996 I was with the Manhattan Vineyard under the tutelage of Mike Turrigiano. Soon after I got there, the renewal ("Toronto Blessing") ended, and so did my hopes of finding a quick fix to my sin problem...

1996-2002 I was at the North Jersey Vineyard with Pastor Phil Chorlian. I didn't get any answers there either... can't really blame the pastors, but it sucks when you have issues and no one to go to with them, really...

From 1997-1999 I was at the Miami Vineyard with Pastor Kevin Fisher. Nice church, nice people, seeker-sensitive... not for me. During this time, I hit an all-time low with my besetting sin issues and practically "fell away" until I was "rescued" by a caring friend from the Manhattan Vineyard, Paul Strait.

From October, 2002 until my wife and I moved to VA in June, 2003 we didn't really go to church. We sometimes went to MetroChurch in Saddle Brook, NJ with Pastor Peter Bruno, Jr. Believe it or not, we encountered God like we never had before just worshipping Him by ourselves in our living room sitting on our couch.

And now of course, we are a part of DSC (Destiny Spirit Church)... and we're liking it... it's a small body, but we think there's tons of potential here!

The reason I went through my "list of churches attended" is that as I look back on my life, I realize that there have been plenty of good folks at all these places who loved on me and helped me along. ... I can't complain about that... I have received a lot of help! I have made some good choices and I have made some bad choices... But I also realize that as much help as I received, I haven't come into "Abundant Living" as described by Christ. I take Jesus seriously when He says that we can experience the good life here!

There is a dysfunctional element to the Church that says "if you're too broken, you're of no use to us"... and the so-called "useless" people often slip through the cracks, never to be seen again. Fortunately, I haven't been totally "useless" and have been effective, thanks to the Grace given to me, in evangelism and discipleship. Still, I wasn't really allowed to "come out" of the pain/brokenness closet for fear of rejection. Wearing masks sucks...

I'll end with a confession and a prayer:

++Lord Jesus, I have judged Your Church and have found it lacking
of the things I have needed for the healing of my soul;
Only You, and You alone can satisfy the longings of my heart...
Please forgive my sin... cleanse my heart
of the bitterness it harbors against Your Church.
I am part of Your Church and therefore,
Part of the problem.
I look forward to the day when Your Church will be
all that You intended it to be.
I look forward to the day when I will be
all that You intended me to be.
Come quickly, Lord Jesus!++

JaWS: Dodging Bullets...

I read this on the blog of someone I don't even know (yet!)... I followed a link from a friend's blog to this one...

I really identified with this post... I have both seen done to others and had done to me what was described in this blog post... it's almost like "if you have no ability/desire/capability to serve, you are not important" and somehow I can't help but feel that that is NOT Christ's heart at all!

I'm still healing and licking my wounds in VA...

I want to serve, but I also know that I need true transformation to happen in my life... I may not be able to serve in "official" capacities (not because I'm not allowed, but because I refuse to in my current condition), but no one can stop me from doing the little things... the things no one might notice...

I think about the people that were influential in my life in "leading me to the Lord"... not many of them are "walking with the Lord" today... somehow, in spite of my less-than-perfect walk, I have stuck around and they have not... what happened to them? I made a promise to God when I got saved, I said, "Lord, you can send me to hell if you want to, but I'm going to serve you the best I can from this day on". I didn't understand Grace then... I still don't think I understand it completely... and I haven't always "served Him the best I could", to tell you the truth... but I'm still here... that's gotta count for something right?

I know that in a lot of ways it is my "brokenness" that prevents me from walking in the fullness of Christian experience with God... but I also know that the church has done little if anything to help me in my pain...

It's for that reason, and others that I am so desperately searching for authentic expression of the good news of Jesus Christ. I don't see many...

Often, I have thought that perhaps it simply boils down to my wife and I just trying to do our best to live out the words of Christ (the red ones, you know) in our lives and take as many people with us and if we can get a church or two to come along on the journey, so be it, if not, que sera sera...

I'm just tired of what feels like wasting time, going to church, singing a few "nice" songs, listening to a "nice" sermon about how to be "nice" and then going home until next week... whoever said the gospel was about being "nice"? I think in reducing the gospel to a message about "niceness" we have stripped it of its power...

I don't know... just thinking out loud here...

I haven't had much time to blog today... I've been busy working on the template for my wife's blog... She doesn't like the basic blogger.com templates either...

I'm hoping to post some more this afternoon...

I'm really enjoying being a blogger! It's good to know that there's a place where I can go and just ramble... I don't really care whether anyone reads this or not... of course, it's nice to know others out there are reading your thoughts, but I've only been at this one day and I don't have a whole lot of readers, so...

**NEWSFLASH** I got my wife to set up a blog! Read it at http://newlog.blogspot.com/

Ann Coulter: It's the winter solstice, Charlie Brown!

Here's a review by Ann Coulter of David Limbaugh's new book "Persecution: How Liberals Are Waging War Against Christianity". I really want to read this book! Hopefully, I'll be able to get it from the library... my big-time book-buying days are over...

Crosswalk.com - Author John Eldredge Aims to Spark a New Reformation

I have just got to get this book ("Waking the Dead: The Glory of a Heart Fully Alive")! I read his other book, "Wild at Heart" and thought it was very, very good... even though it was written for men, my wife read it and she loved it too!

The whole Christian men's movement has left me feeling a little "empty"... I mean, I went to Promise Keepers events a few times, and the camaraderie was great, but there was never any kind of follow-up at the "grass roots" level... at least not in my area. The few times I actually did try to gather a few men to boldly go beyond surface stuff flopped terribly. I just wanted to be real with my guy friends and encountered a lot of resistance instead.

What does it take for guys to just be real with one another?

Marvin Olasky: Barry Bonds, batting practice and a Bible in the bathroom

Behind-the-scenes look at Bonds and the Atlanta Braves' clubhouse...

My wife and I have been on a very strange journey... one that not everyone around us has understood, but nevertheless, one that we felt compelled to take... we don't exactly know when it began... we were married in early 2001... must've been shortly after that... we just started getting restless... antsy... we were both yearning for more in our walks with Christ. It was like one day we woke up and church just wasn't the same... or maybe we weren't? That's been one of the hardest things to figure out about this whole thing...

On the one hand we felt like God was calling us both to go deeper with Him... on the other hand, church was "feeling" more and more like "McChurch" or "church lite"... I say "feeling" because I think it was a totally subjective "God thang" my wife and I were going through... I mean, no one else noticed it... I really think God was up to something with us and wanted to change our "direction".

We were clueless... we were both so unhappy and just puzzled by what was going on... then we began getting hints...

I remember hanging out at the Morristown, NJ Vineyard in what must have been July 2002 for one of their Friday night "soaking" worship services. Danny Daniels was there and he did a then relatively new song called "If You Say Go" by Diane Thiel...

---------------------
Here's the lyrics:

if You say go, we will go
if You say wait, we will wait
if You say step out on the water
and they say it can't be done
we'll fix our eyes on You and we will come

Your ways are higher than our ways
and the plans that you have laid
are good and true
if You call us to the fire
You will not withdraw Your hand
We'll gaze into the flames and look for You
---------------------

My wife and I were both deeply touched by this song. It spoke to us exactly at the point of our need... we knew God was calling us to go somewhere, we just didn't know where... and we were scared. Scared of the "not-knowing"...

All I know is that as we sat on the floor of the church after that song, tears in our eyes, we both began to feel a sense of excitement amidst the uncertainty...

A journey with God is always both scary and exciting isn't it? Reminds me of that passage from C.S. Lewis' "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe": "Safe?" said Mr. Beaver. "Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about being safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

I've been wanting to blog for a pretty long time now, but never seemed to get around to it. Recently, while in the process of updating my address book, I came into contact with a slew of old friends from the Manhattan Vineyard that are affiliated with Allelon and blogging. I wasn't happy with Blogger.com's templates though, and went hunting for html code to "steal". Inspired by Mike Turrigiano's blog site design and elements of Ernie Marton's blog, I set out to "tweak the code" so-to-speak...

Well, here it is... the fruit of my labors... I'm sure I'll add to it in the near future. I'm still working on changing the colors so that it doesn't look so much like Mike's.

Anyway, I just wanted to post something to kick this thing off!