:: basicblog ::

I was talking with my wife last night as we went to bed... I asked her, "Do I sound bitter in my blog (regarding recent comments about the Church)?"

She was honest... she said, "Yes, you do..."

Then I started thinking about non-Christians that might someday read this and think, "Boy, why would I ever want to sign up for something like that?!"

Let me tell you why it's been worth it all in spite of the pain ...

The major reason people get really hurt in church sometimes is because the depth of relationship is so much greater than the shallow relationships you might otherwise have...

No one can hurt you like those you love... some of us have major family issues... now imagine a really, really HUGE family... that's the Church!

No one can stretch you to grow and force you out of your comfort zones like people that really love you. Now, that hasn't always been the case... I've been to churches where you can fade in and fade out and no one will even ::blink:: .... but I have also caught "glimpses" of the ideal: a "carefrontational" body of believers who challenge one another to be all that they can be for the cause of Christ and His Kingdom.

Here's my "church history":

From 1991-1995 I was a member of Woodcliff Community Church in North Bergen, NJ. I got saved there and was mentored by Pastor Al Alicea (currently Pastor of Community Church of Feastervlle in PA. He took me under his wing and arranged it so that I could get a full-ride scholarship to seminary courtesy of the RCA (Reformed Church in America). I was a jerk. I didn't know how to deal with some besetting sins in my life and was looking for a charismatic quick-fix (you know, "zap" prayers?) when God was really trying to grow me up in my character. I left the church, dropped out of seminary and signed up with the Vineyard. I thought, "Surely, God will heal me here?" To this day I regret not talking at length with Pastor Al about my "stuff"...

Also, during summer breaks from college, I would attend the Calvary Chapel in Miami with Pastor Razz Vasquez and Calvary Chapel Miami Beach with Pastor Robert Fountain.

1995-1996 I was with the Manhattan Vineyard under the tutelage of Mike Turrigiano. Soon after I got there, the renewal ("Toronto Blessing") ended, and so did my hopes of finding a quick fix to my sin problem...

1996-2002 I was at the North Jersey Vineyard with Pastor Phil Chorlian. I didn't get any answers there either... can't really blame the pastors, but it sucks when you have issues and no one to go to with them, really...

From 1997-1999 I was at the Miami Vineyard with Pastor Kevin Fisher. Nice church, nice people, seeker-sensitive... not for me. During this time, I hit an all-time low with my besetting sin issues and practically "fell away" until I was "rescued" by a caring friend from the Manhattan Vineyard, Paul Strait.

From October, 2002 until my wife and I moved to VA in June, 2003 we didn't really go to church. We sometimes went to MetroChurch in Saddle Brook, NJ with Pastor Peter Bruno, Jr. Believe it or not, we encountered God like we never had before just worshipping Him by ourselves in our living room sitting on our couch.

And now of course, we are a part of DSC (Destiny Spirit Church)... and we're liking it... it's a small body, but we think there's tons of potential here!

The reason I went through my "list of churches attended" is that as I look back on my life, I realize that there have been plenty of good folks at all these places who loved on me and helped me along. ... I can't complain about that... I have received a lot of help! I have made some good choices and I have made some bad choices... But I also realize that as much help as I received, I haven't come into "Abundant Living" as described by Christ. I take Jesus seriously when He says that we can experience the good life here!

There is a dysfunctional element to the Church that says "if you're too broken, you're of no use to us"... and the so-called "useless" people often slip through the cracks, never to be seen again. Fortunately, I haven't been totally "useless" and have been effective, thanks to the Grace given to me, in evangelism and discipleship. Still, I wasn't really allowed to "come out" of the pain/brokenness closet for fear of rejection. Wearing masks sucks...

I'll end with a confession and a prayer:

++Lord Jesus, I have judged Your Church and have found it lacking
of the things I have needed for the healing of my soul;
Only You, and You alone can satisfy the longings of my heart...
Please forgive my sin... cleanse my heart
of the bitterness it harbors against Your Church.
I am part of Your Church and therefore,
Part of the problem.
I look forward to the day when Your Church will be
all that You intended it to be.
I look forward to the day when I will be
all that You intended me to be.
Come quickly, Lord Jesus!++